Feeling lonely is a perfectly normal human experience. It can happen to anybody and at any stage of life.
During the first month of Covid lockdown, the equivalent of 7.4 million people in Britain said their well-being was affected by loneliness.
Loneliness can be very upsetting and a feeling that can intensify when alone or in social gatherings and at different times of the day. It can come as quickly as it goes or it may be a prolonged experience. It may be linked to feelings of isolation from a community or as result of other negative experiences like loss or bereavement. It can be hard to put the feelings into words, let alone acknowledge to yourself or others that you are lonely, put simply, loneliness hurts!
Please know that you are not alone in your feelings and identifying loneliness is a good start for change.
We believe that even though we may feel alone, God is always with us. The bible speaks a great deal about loneliness and it is clear that God understands how hard it is for human beings to feel alone.
King David who wrote some of the prayers in the middle of the bible - wrote these words 3000 years ago:
“A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing.”
Finding our purpose by getting to know God and becoming part of his family is one of the ways that we can begin to tackle the experience of loneliness.
“Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness.”
― Maya Angelou
Maya Angelou was a great poet and civil rights activist, sought after by many for her perspectives on life, but here she articulates her experience of this most common of human experiences, loneliness. About a third of the human race expresses feelings of loneliness some or all of the time; it can be such a painful and overwhelming experience.
Loneliness comes from our human need for love and connection - it is a fundamental need that can’t by bypassed. In some ways if you feel lonely it indicates that you have a normal human need for meaningful connections, something is going right!
The problem of course is that being lonely has some other really unhealthy effects on our mental health. Studies show that lonely people ‘ruminate’ more. Rumination is a tendency to go over and over negative experiences in your head, agonising over what could have been different. Rumination can lead to depression and other mental health issues. But again, rumination itself is a function of a great ability we all have, to focus and think things through, but it’s an ability that can be hijacked by negative thoughts.
So often these mental health conditions are like two sides of a coin. Take loneliness and solitude for example, solitude actually has been shown by a number of studies to have important mental health benefits, including allowing people to better focus and recharge.
Loneliness is marked by feelings of isolation despite wanting social connections. It is often perceived as an involuntary separation, rejection, or abandonment by other people.
Solitude, on the other hand, is voluntary. People who enjoy spending time by themselves continue to maintain positive social relationships that they can return to when they crave connection. They still spend time with others, but these interactions are balanced with periods of time alone.
The big question is, can you solve the problem of loneliness but also learn to love your time alone?
We see loneliness in some of the people of the bible. Elijah the prophet was so lonely he wanted to die. Paul the Apostle tells Timothy: “At my first defence, no one came to my support, everyone deserted me” ( 1 Tim 4) . Jesus also appears to have been experiencing loneliness in the garden of Gethsemane on the night before his crucifixion ( Matthew 26) and while on the cross ( Mathew 27). The amazing truth is that Jesus himself knows what loneliness is like and he has made a promise to us that he will never break:
“I will be with you always, yes even to the end of the age”
Matthew 28: 20
The truth is that human company is not always easy to come by and we may all experience loneliness for all sorts of reasons. But our hope for you is that you can overcome the pain of loneliness in your life. That you will learn some practical solutions to loneliness, that you will grow in insight about the causes of your loneliness and ultimately that you will know Jesus peace and presence at the centre of your life always, even to the end of the age.
Get Practical
1.
Be proactive. Plan your week to do something you enjoy. Spend time outdoors. Focus on the good things in life. Look after yourself . Prioritise looking after yourself, making sure you are eating healthily, being as active as you can and sleeping well.
2.
Catch up with old friends. Reach out to your friends, by picking up the phone or contacting them through social media. You may feel that they are busy and won’t have time for you, but you may be surprised if you make an effort to connect.
3.
Invest time in new connections. Joining groups based on your interests is one of the best ways of making new connections. Think about activities and hobbies you enjoy, or perhaps something you would like to learn, volunteering is another excellent way to connect with people. You could volunteer at Woodlands church or with one of our partner charities. Have a look on our website to see what is available.
4.
Join a mid-week group. These are small groups based in homes and are ways of connecting with people in your church community. Mid-week groups are at the heart of the church and many people form life long friendships through them.
5.
Little things can make a difference. Having deep connections with close friends is important but brief exchanges with others can also have an impact on how you feel about yourself. Say hello to a neighbour, the shop keeper or person at the bus stop. Having good relations with those near you will make you feel more receptive to other, and possibly more, meaningful relationships.
If you really find making conversation hard - find out more about how to strike up a conversation from this great article!
6.
Connect online but be careful! Technology can keep us connected but spending too much time looking at other people’s lives ( that always appear to be better than yours!) can really undermine your mental health. Limit your time on social media.
7.
Consider support and services . Taking steps to change your life, and talking about issues around loneliness is a positive step. Access to talking therapies can be obtained from your GP, community supports and organisations or privately
SOUL CARE
The sorrow of loneliness can be fruitful by causing us to ache for human connection.
Loneliness is God’s gift that drives us into relationship and enlarges our hearts to love.
Without it, we would never marry, engage in friendships or endure the numerous problems that are natural part of intimacy.
I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Helper, who will stay with you forever.
John 14:16
Develop new habits That build up your inner self. As you become a stronger, more self-assured person, you'll find it easier to make new friends and encounter new situations. Try some of these strategies for self-improvement:
1.
Meditate on God's Word.
Loneliness can feel threatening, like something we really dont want to face, and so taking time out to be quiet with God can be hard. But learning to face our loneliness and lean into God will train us to not fall into the pit of despair. Rather, we find His comfort, hearing His voice of love and healing for our broken places
2.
Push into wholeness, freedom and growth.
Ask God to show you ways you need to grow and develop, explore healing for any past wounds, find ways to forgive people who have hurt you. Ask for help with this from your church. At Woodlands we recommend the Wholeness Course to help us engage with the path of healing from the past.
Follow this link to sign up : https://www.woodlandschurch.net/wholeness
3.
Establish a schedule for a day, weekend or a week.
Loneliness often seems more intense when we have nothing to do. Organise your time and be sure to include some outside activities. Start exercising regularly. Take walks. You’ll feel better physically and emotionally. Contact the church about joining a mid-week group.
4.
Make the most out of your time alone.
Aloneness (as opposed to loneliness) can be a very positive experience. Aloneness, or solitude, gives us a chance to reflect on our lives, to meditate on God's will for us and to find healing for the wounds inflicted by the world. Many experts feel that we spend too little time alone and that we would all be better off by planning regular times of solitude in our lives.Calling can emerge from loneliness and isolation when God has a greater opportunity to speak to our hearts about where we are going and where we have been.
You may find this book a helpful resource in your journey to find freedom from loneliness.
Contributor: Clare Thompson, Woodlands Church Bristol
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